requiem

tears of joy and tears of pain these tears pour from a heart filled with disdain. tired eyes from vivid lies these thoughts of love can come from only agony above. your exotic and erotic cares are brought about by me pulling your hair not the memories of starry nights and me protecting you through bar room fights. just a little price of bleeding compares nothing to the reward of your heart retreating. none of its real the thoughts you filled me with were too surreal i must appeal to the submission of your affections thats it i dont want anymore i will not be this man whore. you say you see through me but look what you were able to do to me none of it was fair the way you could strip me bare the core of me spills to the floor just clean me up im the requiem of your dream i was never really there i hate you i curse you i ban you dont come near you must create lies of how i wasnt a man to you. i am above it all looking down at you squabbling for affections crying through rejections empty souls receive only the horrors they bestow through their deepest lows and its the ones on the top who shall always fall, we all now move on to the next "love" call.

make any sense? btw i wrote it in 6:25 linstening to.. drunk lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYC3as3rwLk&feature=related

self misery

in my heart of hearts i find my self stuck between the near unbearable sweetness of love and the inevitable pressure for pain. i live my days at 90 miles an hour trying to encompass every moment of it and walk away feeling it was just a glimpse of what could've been. then the night comes and i feel suspended in time watching the seconds slowly pass by. i find my confidence in myself nearly comical at how sure i am nothing could hurt me and i flaunt it and fear nothing. then the sun sets and everyone goes home and im left alone with nothing to worry me except the depths of my own mind and understanding. it is here that i have learned to fear. with every positive quality i have (so many lol), in my mind lies its imaginative adversary battling my conscience. i find myself stuck between a complex, witty, and evil mind, and a simple and large caring heart. i found i have an odd sense of enjoying certain physical pain: i never go to the hospital and i wait extended periods of time to resolve pain. i dont use any pain relievers, even when i was 10 i severed my finger and i had the doctor not knock me out so that i could watch him reconstruct my shattered bone and sew the skin back together. i dont go looking to get hurt, but im never afraid of it because i realize tonight that it balances me; i want my body to feel the pain my heart holds.
and that is my monday night while my friend lauren dreams of pink lamborghini's or some crap.

Home of the Brave

some feel the power and some feel the awe, most feel the coat tails of riding too long. weary and sore, desperate and tired, but alone no more. hope and hands grasp their bodies like a warm towel on a cold nights swim but only til the night breeze blows. we realize through mediums of music, lyrics and lights our heart can take our souls tears but only just and no more. a collaboration of mediums to personify a mood, then responded to it physically and emotionally. i find time heals the deepest wounds only to those brave enough to open them relentlessly. an understanding and acceptance of pain mixed with relentlessness to a souls innocence. cures aren't quick. the swallow burns the throat, patronizing the disease. time though, through the unvarying of pain, understands the value of freedom. once quelled, only then wields power, and relinquishes awe upon their coat-tailed woeful.

Bite the Dust

We all spend a night empty handed and empty hearted. Tuck your happy illusioned friends away and lay alone wondering why not you. Rooms and parties full of solo cups of confidence; songs requiring dates to dance to, and neither were offered to you. Your wit and charm lay on deaf ears and false judgments or predetermined opinions. Your glow went unnoticed amidst the candle lit windows of old New York at bed time. Every detail specifically selected the hours leading up to the nights endeavor and all thrown off in unison at a hollowing nights end. What blurs initializations promising sparkle? When does a singles nights loneliness become a repetitive sadness to a yearning soul for companionship? When does the random night alone become a trend of self uncertainty and sure doubt in self worth and sure conspiracy? Repetitive loss does not validate quality of choice, rather diminishes hope in the quality of the minds vision to treat the sentence of solitary confinement to its weary heart. Settling for less will not cure the souls melting boundaries. Shimmers of hope mend the dripping emotional goo like freshly made creepy crawlers to a boy lost in his closet of wonder and time. Wonder and time. Those used to cure the soul of the youth for hours on end until exhaustion from the unrelenting battle of both was ceased by a third party. The subconscious yearning for a break the heart would never give up on and the mind never dulled to explore. A souls subconscious at odds with the bodies for its hopes, dreams and realities seemingly always regulated by another. You can't make me wonder about you, dream about you or realistically be with you; but if i wonder about you, dream about you and realistically find you, my mind heart and soul will never let go of you.

Peter Pans Getaway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQAXpo_wiXQ

Fields of evergreen clovers cling to our naked ankles by dawns wet dew as we near the hidden spring sparkled by fragments of morning light through the thick canopy of oak as if cascading into our wild cove. Our clothes draped across the grandest of rocks; the cold grips our flesh as our heartbeats rise while staring into each others wild green eyes through our smokey exhales. Turned on by the heat escaping the other we enter the spring hand in hand as the ripples return in the smallest of waves creeping up the back as the bodies spectrum of temperatures is fused into a symphony of adrenaline at the verge of anticipation for the initial gravitation towards her soft sweet lips as she hides her smirk and falls in love.

Be Vewy Vewy Qwuiet

I can't tell her about the nights I lay out to gaze at stars and wish i was looking into her eyes.
I can't tell her how I'd turn down Mozart and lean against the bathroom door just to listen to her sing.
I cant tell her that I'd rather put a box of puppies dressed as sailors down and hold her hand just a little bit longer.
I can't tell her about the mind control she acquires while I'm captivated by her scent every time she moves past me.
I can't tell her how I lose my appetite by the simple taste of her sweet soft lips.

I can't tell her that I begin every day hoping for a beautiful end to it with her because it is only her that I wish to see, hear, feel, smell and taste day after day, time after time, in a seemingly continuous plateau of sensory satisfaction that my mind cannot break down and my heart may never completely grasp.

She can't know how to defeat me. She can't know to defeat my relentless passion she merely has to distinguish the essence of her that embodies every aspect of beauty I yearn to make memories with.

gone baby gone

love is tricky. here's the problem: there's a hierarchical time line. past, present and future. the past reflects an established order of thought altering the present either reluctantly fearful or aggressively optimistic for the future, naive in its essence epitomizing high risk high reward; the epitome of a gamblers disease or the self destruction of the beauty that held the flicker of light in the first place. you think you know a person until they're tested. a scramble to re-order their priorities leaves you confused and unrelenting. a last ditch effort to regain the line that held your souls counterpart. you hold the rope as the speed in which it departs burns every bit that you hold tight. it's past the point that you want to pull a person back from abrupt abyss. you just want to run to someone that wants to run with you. tip being: don't chase the ones that are never real with their friends. cut her down or cut her loose

Joey

this kid man.. this kid. So, we're playing basketball at his girlfriends court like a weekly summer tradition. He never wins, not because he isn't good, just because one on one is my game. He has this one move though where he'll drive down the lane lean in to me a hit a fade away layup off the glass. you can't defend it and its ridiculous how easy that move is for him. anyway he's been getting progressively better and i wont let him beat me. until that fateful day. he did his move about two or three times and i caught on and started to shut him down. he miraculously managed to dribble the ball through my legs, lose it behind him while yelling "ohhhh what you got white boy?!" and i chase him down as he picks it up fading away shooting over my swatting hand falling out of bounds behind the three point line landing into surrounding bushes as leaves fall from the canopied tree he shot the ball through before it swishes through the net. as if i'm not embarrassed enough to let anyone do that to me, it had to be him. he's jumping and yelling "What white boy?! where you at white boy?! white boy!" sigh. i check the ball with him, he runs over to the same spot and drains another three pointer to win the game. i hate him. he will always have that in his arsenal to use against me, and believe me, he will. joeys my best friend and he uses it against me. ily all day brosef.

summation of a sunrisen text

i pull you in as i hold you close, your cold yearns for the warmth of my arms. you lay, tired from a draining day; i examine you. a radiant fair skin tone with flashes of hue shines amongst dark cold sheets as a closer view reveals the passionate kisses left by the adulterating sun. the faintest of freckles are the imperfections that only act as tantalizing realizations of the reality of you. pinch myself. your legs are tone, smooth and long as they extend past my horizon upon motionless heels warn out by mysteries yet explained at a fire-lit rainy night in. i gaze. my vision blurs between the serenity and wonder of how a complex creature of stunning beauty can correlate the phenomenon of your existence with the excitement of my future. sleep. dream. awake to an empty, unfulfilled silent clean room; seek me out, find me to fit into the niche of your tiniest of nooks, cozy as it may be; for an insurmountable brief moment perfection is personified in my life through the addition of you. wiggle, hum and sing softly of well written ideas coldplay pressed upon you through the magic of piano melodies, as mixed uncertainties of my fluctuating membrane tear across the brightest of hopes like an exploding star through a dim night sky. worries and doubt cloud you but yield to your lazy joy. close your eyes. sleep for another tomorrow. awake to a hustling morning full of minute accidents and aggravation injected by coffee flavored adrenaline as you shower dress and move through traffic tying your bun, eye lash brush between your coated lips swerving between three lanes as the last moves further ahead. tension builds until you're fidgeting may have cost you five minutes. arrival. greeting familiar faces thinking of obstacles ahead preparing yourself for things to come as the Chanel purse buzzes. you sit down, open every relative tab and read the leftover emails of frustration from nagging hoarders seeking your demise pressing down on you. sigh. turn to read the messages and unlock the phone to cease the blinking red light. you reluctantly read: breath. go through the motions that will lead you back to me. cycle through the weary tasks that drain the youthful ambitions of your soul. be strong. the idea of seeing you after flickers a light inside me that i will endlessly chase and never tell you about. so keep it a secret, i've been missing you since you woke.
-matthew

Just a Glimpse

The night is condemned. Strands of silver lined smoke whisper through the neon lasers. Bored at a table with nothing to do but watch. most make fools of themselves which is entertaining for a while. Too much time and not enough excitement we get up to leave and squeeze through a crowded walkway as legs pass bye me and i turn. You turn and your eyes intensify as they draw mine in, becoming as captivated as you. A grin subconsciously creeps across your soft cheek and the bass drops as a surge rushes over me rejuvenating me by the simple pleasure of acknowledging your presence. I'm confused by beauty and attention. Maybe every once in a while, there is no catch.
Personification of a dream

all day

i like sports and cartoons. not just random cartoons or sports, but the ones with passion, danger and excitement. like transformers, ninja turtles and batman. football, basketball and hockey. animal movies like black beauty, wild hearts can't be broken, fievel goes west, and the rescuers down under. airbud is gay. i like to sing, but don't listen. i like smooth surfaces, i feel like im moving faster. i HATE cracks. i like girls who know how to walk in heels, and i hate those midhigh heels. dumb, go big or go home. i like an innocent girl with bad tendencies, it like finding a kid with melted popsicle all over him cute, but not a kid with melted shit all over him. i like sand castles but not sand. i like speed and adrenaline. i think i can survive most anything for some dumb reason. i like american stuff. 4th of july, blowing stuff up, being competitive, drunk dancing, the wave at football stadiums, cowboy boots. i can't help dreaming of falling in love then shying away from every beautiful girl that walks bye. water balloons are great. i don't like sleeping, somewhere theres something going on that im missing. tree forts never go out of style. im drawn to new york city and montana at the same time. restlessness, slowing down, boredom drive me crazy. im a man with a plan. the plan is dont stop til i drop

Danger: Flamming Balls

Lets say you live in a neighborhood left over from former war vets and their families, white America, do it yourself, know it all, no law needed stronghold of handymen NRA loving families called Cutler Ridge. Now lets say you have an amazing imagination in accordance with a sense of humor and a delinquent younger brother. Clearly that combination is going to eventually dress up at night as Batman and Robin with a friend dressed in a banana suit filming as they bomb mailboxes of families they don't like with illegally bought and made mortars. Catastrophic results for those front yards; a couple craters, burning lawns and beautiful displays of 4th of july majesty roaring into the starlit sky as they book it down the back-roads to the next victims on the hit list. Must be fun growing up in the Ridge.

in the end

the best of you becomes the worst of me. i chase a desire of wanting to be everything you are to me. an impossible task of imitating beauty just being, an awkward strange doubt in myself turning me inside out you are the kryptonite eating away at my soul theres no cure for. i was never a part of your past all i want is your future but im thwarted by here and now. every excitement is stolen from its innocence and rarity by tainted worries of entrapment. perfection is your weakness i hate you for. all of your downfalls sparkle in the eye of my love preventing me from walking away from guaranteed heartache and heartbreak. its a perfect picture with singed edges from a fire we werent responsible for. all i can do now is burn. how does a crippled man walk away?

a fight for love

the distinct physicalities of my verbal brutalities have pushed my deepest desires near hells burning fires. with a chance of losing it all from my very own bruising claims i cannot stand to be weighed down by my self made shackling chains. i am rising from the ashes lik a phoenix with lashes; the scars of survival from a punishing rival. a changed man now and nothing else will matter, the love of my life i will never let be battered; by me, by she, by they, by it, ive returned to the heavens and as a guardian i sit. weep not for now we are stronger, the pain past felt shall exist no longer. a sad tale of the misery this brought, but a truly happy ending to those who stayed and fought. we will love eachother with our hair turning gray, closer than ever untill the end of our days. we now reap the lovers benefits others have just missed, when you draw your guns i'll draw my wits.

circles

what is it to live amongst your dreams; how does one seek the means in which the dreams seems to end; are we then just to pretend of what may or may not be important ; must we import then a feeling of love, healing the glove our life hides in; now set free, our hearts glide in an insatiable tendency of unsustainable cycles which we cannot see; for it truly cannot be how we wish to be

stand alone

cyntrifical forces causin divorces ripin apart the love and marriage my lifes like cinderellas carriage at the stroke of midnight a never ending fight always transforming with no sign of warning and to my heart its brutality living on the edge of fatality uncertainty happens to be my only certainty i can never see the end i just take what i got and extend a seemingly divine wisdom add to it my mind and then some til i come to my conclusion that im stuck in seclusion you cant relate don't tell me you know this aint a motherfuckin debate shit aint great so fuck you and your philosophies thats the shit that ends up costing me as if i aint my own worst enemy God decides on sendin me some heavenly escort aka your advices that lock down my life in vices with ur controlling little devices til im constricted and suffocated and i decide to allocate the state im in back to you like the bird flu sweeping asia i will play ya til swat comes to get me standin over ur corpse. habeas corpus bitch.

A Nap to Remember

Joey, Gus, Mike and I had been driving on our second cross country roadtrip for 27 hours straight from Salt Lake City, Utah to St. Louis, Missouri. We were tired to say the least. After a night entitled "wyo-mess" we were finally safe in a big name city again. We get to the Millenium hotel directly between the Arch and over looking the baseball stadium where the Cardinals play close to 11am. Every one walks in and collapses on the two beds, Gus and joey in one and Mike on the other as I decide to shower before sleep.
The way the room is set up when you open the door the bathroom is on the right and you see straight down to the first bed against the window. I get out of the shower and Mike is knocked out in his underwear and has kicked off all the covers except for a small part of the sheets just covering his butt. I sit down next to him in my towel, turn on sportscenter and put my hands on the top of my head trying to relax.
Knock,knock,knock. "No thanks, we're good" I yell. Knock,knock,knock. "Roomservice?!" "Nahhh we're fine." then this middle aged black maid opens the door, looks at me across the room hands spread over my head in a towel and mike looked butt naked knocked out on the bed and she screams "OH SWEET JESUS!!!" Then slams the door. At first I didn't know why she freaked out and everyone woke up then i looked at mike and just started laughing. :/ she thought i boned my boy, gross.

USA Roadtrip I... Don't Mess with Texas

A couple days into the first cross country roadtrip, Mike, Joey and I are aiming to hit Dallas, TX by night fall from Albuquerque, NM. It turns out Albuquerque is a city where every paroled convict goes to find a job and start their life over, don't ever go there, Joey lost $30. Anyway, the morning is beautiful, its a great day to leave New Mexico. Joey is our first leg of the drive and subsequently first to be ticketed. Apparently 75 mph in a construction zone is illegal so he's pulled over, only he pulls over on the median. The lady cop gives him a brief lecture on common sense then has him re-pull himself over to the other side of the interstate, not dangerous or anything, and we end up on an off ramp. She hated us. Joey really didn't care, write him up, a little traffic school and its over.
He continues to drive until the next gas station and I take over. He was tired after having the last leg the night before and it can get exhausting. Immediately he gets a surge of energy as a sense of irresponsibility came over him now that he didn't have the wheel. He starts messing with Mike, who up to that point had calmly been playing Pokemon Red on his Gameboy, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Like the Japs had done at Pearl Harbor, Joey had awaken a sleeping Giant. So now I have the 2 of them wrestling with each other, mind you Mike is shotgun and Joey is sitting right behind him, arms are flailing and loud noises ensue. i take it upon myself to see how fast i can get Joeys sweet ass SAAB to go. I tell him to tell me no if he doesn't want to but with the WWF on that side of the car he didnt pay attention to me.
For the most part we averaged between 90-100 on long stretches between cities so we were comfortable handling the car at high speeds, I didn't think it was that big of a deal to go a little faster. Pedal to the medal and I'm hitting 144 mph before the car starts to shake and I feel like Dom in his tricked out GTO trying to get away from Paul Walker. I passed a car and then a truck, only 2 cars I had seen since entering Texas. I slow it down realizing it was a fairly bad idea. About a half hour later we stop in Claude County, TX to eat and fill up.
Mikes turn. I toss him the Keys and now Joey knocks out in the back seat finally. By that time the two cars I had passed at 140 a half hour before caught back up and were about 5 miles ahead of us. As Mike got near them he slowed down to pass them and we realized the truck was a County Sheriff K-9 unit. Still at the top hat of Texas we know there's no way we would reach Dallas by night fall if we follow a cop the speed limit. The plan: squeak by him and once he's out of sight pick the pace back up. Only one problem, he remembered our car flying by him 79 mph over the speed limit, and the Florida license plate didn't help our image. He pulls Mike over.
License and Registration he says. Mike hands it over and asks what the problem is. You know how fast you were goin? Mike answers 75? He says 76. Isn't the speed limit 75 though sir? No its 70. This cop is wearing light wash jeans, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, sheriff shirt, aviators, a revolver at his hip and hes a little husky maybe 5'9 with a thick white mustache in his mid 50's. He is a Texas badass. He leans in the window to look at us, we wake up Joey. Joey is in a daze just regaining consciousness and could care less who this guy is. He asked us where we were going twice, each of us what school we went to, Joey he asked 3 times, what we were doing in Texas then told us he catches lots of our kind comin through his parts, either headin for Florida or Mexico and we simply should of taken our route through Oklahoma. Now I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
He tells Mike to get out and walk to the front of his truck. 5 minutes later he comes back to the passenger side of the car, Mike still at his truck with a German Sheppard sitting shotgun, and asks me to step out. I do and I give Joey a stare full of information all saying this isn't normal and my switchblade is in the back seat pocket in front of him, throw it or something if he gets nuts.. you know one of those looks. I stand next to him at the front of Joeys car and he says "son, I want you to walk 20 paces out into the field there with your back to me and wait." I say O.K. officer, but in my mind I'm saying HOLY SHIT I'm about to be executed!
He tells Joey to sit tight he'll be back, and walks over to me. I had my back to him but fuck him if he didn't think my head was on a swivel watching him. He comes out and says Boy you know trafficking drugs is a felony and major offense you will go to jail for a good part of your life? I say I am well aware, that's why I don't traffic drugs. He says I got a real fine animal in that car, I don't even have to look and he'll let me know. I say that's fine. He says I won't find no methamphetamine's? No. No PCP? No. No crack cocaine? No. Marijuana? No. No papers? what kinda Papers? Rollin Papers! Oh, no. How bout pills? I say Alieve, Advil, I have prescribed Ambien, then he cuts me off. Son wait right here.
Walks back to Joey. He thinks Joey is high like a Georgia Pine right now because he woke up looking like a disaster and it takes him 30 minutes to realize he's awake. The sheriff starts questioning Joey, in the backseat, from the front passenger window, and Joey can't see his face because the sun is behind the sheriff. The first question is are you high? Joey says no. He starts asking him about drugs and if we have them, and Joey begins thinking crazy like what if we actually have them like somehow some small amount somewhere or maybe Matt or Mike got some while he was asleep and he starts getting nervous, BECAUSE HE MADE IT UP IN HIS MIND. Joeys answers start turning from no to, I don't think so. That didn't help he only asked more questions waiting for Joey to drop in an i think so answer. By the time they were done Joey had told him every detail of our trip up to that point and im sure the sheriff thought he was dealing with 3 abandoned rogue retards wandering the country.
He yells to me to come back to the car, I got in, then he walked back to Mike at his truck. Cuts him a $300 ticket tells him he's lucky and don't ever pass a cop in Texas. Mike gets in the car and our first thought is lets get as far from that guy and Texas as possible. as soon as his lights aren't flashing in our rear view mirror anymore Mike punches it to 90. 2 miles later a trooper pulls Mike over for going 90 in a 70. He feels bad about the first ticket so knocks down Mikes speed on the ticket a little. $500 in tickets within 5 miles and Mike wasn't aloud to drive the rest of the trip.
3 lessons learned here. 1: If you go to jail, they're hiring in Albuquerque. 2: If you have relatives in Claude County Texas, have them come to you, or just forget about them. 3: Avoid Texas and most importantly Texans.
Fin

USA Roadtrip II... Sasquash is real

Mike, Gus and I flew out to L.A. at the beginning of the summer 2009, to see Joey who goes to school at LMU. The Boys. The plan: roadtrip home to Miami. This will already be round 2 for Mike, Joey, and I as we made the trip the summer before. A new route and a full car, expect more blogs to come..

We leave San Francisco early in the morning en route to Crescent City, CA 16 miles South of Oregon. Gus tells us his father heard of a real haunted house to stay in there. Garland(Gamin) tells us its a couple hour drive. Immediately we begin making up stories about lives we never lead and all play along; we have very random and intricate imaginations that entertain us at all times. We end up driving about 5 hours and finally get to the Redwood Forest. Driving along the coastline most of the day slowed us down a lot, though the scenery was breath-taking. We stop at Glass Beach to watch the sun set over the pacific ocean as the waves crash against the rocky terrain around us. As soon as the sun falls off our map the temperature dips 15 degrees going from chilly to cold with a cold strong ocean breeze. Wow that was beautiful we're all ready to take a pleasant drive through the forest and get to our hotel now, little did we know what was waiting for us.
I was the first leg of the drive. Conditions began to cause problems immediately. A dense fog rolled in, or maybe it just waits there, I'm not sure but it creeped up on us, and the long stretch of road we had seen so many people on for hours turned into a 15 mph crazy winding desolate mountainous road with nothing but fog and a pitch black darkness as 300 foot tall trees blocked out any source of light. I'm a bit of a heavy foot and some of the boys, by some I mean 3 of 4 decided I was making them sick. After dodging random deer standing in the road twice we come to a small clearing large enough to pull over and look at the massive full moon below a steep cliff side on the opposite side of the road over looking a moonlit valley of thick trees. Joey tries taking pictures with his iphone because he's artsy and it's really "pretty." I'm freezing my ass off and Mike and I know better than to stand in a forest blind.
As soon as Mike convinces Joey his iphone can't get a good picture of anything in earths orbit we turn to walk to the car about 40 yards away. Gus is close to me near the road, Joey and mike 15 yards further in the open clearing. Suddenly Gus and I hear and faintly see rocks falling down the cliff towards the road and a very distinct thump, thump, thump, and we took off sprinting as fast as we could to the car, Joey and Mike right on our tails, we jump in start the car and take off!
The thumping sound coming down the cliffside was no boulder, no rock, no four legged predator or prey. It was footsteps. Heavy, long strides, 2 legged footsteps. I've been around the woods all my life and watch the discovery channel and animal planet HD pretty frequently. There is nothing on earth that could have made the sounds we heard and come down an incline like that; Gus and I will attest for the rest of our lives Sasquatch is not only real and alive but was coming down the side of that mountain for us.
We had seen episodes on various channels about sitings, local news reports, articles in the papers leading up to and around northern California and further north were documented even more. The FBI has thousands of files on it. Sasquatch news is popular in the north west states as Castro is to south florida. By the way, Gus had a sick raspy voice during the California part of the trip and has problems with certain English words. Sasquatch= sasquash, California= califonry, Arnold Palmer= Almer Palmer, and so on.
The four of us felt raw fear and pure evil in the depths of that dark forest and we will never forget. Sasquatch is real.