A couple days into the first cross country roadtrip, Mike, Joey and I are aiming to hit Dallas, TX by night fall from Albuquerque, NM. It turns out Albuquerque is a city where every paroled convict goes to find a job and start their life over, don't ever go there, Joey lost $30. Anyway, the morning is beautiful, its a great day to leave New Mexico. Joey is our first leg of the drive and subsequently first to be ticketed. Apparently 75 mph in a construction zone is illegal so he's pulled over, only he pulls over on the median. The lady cop gives him a brief lecture on common sense then has him re-pull himself over to the other side of the interstate, not dangerous or anything, and we end up on an off ramp. She hated us. Joey really didn't care, write him up, a little traffic school and its over.
He continues to drive until the next gas station and I take over. He was tired after having the last leg the night before and it can get exhausting. Immediately he gets a surge of energy as a sense of irresponsibility came over him now that he didn't have the wheel. He starts messing with Mike, who up to that point had calmly been playing Pokemon Red on his Gameboy, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Like the Japs had done at Pearl Harbor, Joey had awaken a sleeping Giant. So now I have the 2 of them wrestling with each other, mind you Mike is shotgun and Joey is sitting right behind him, arms are flailing and loud noises ensue. i take it upon myself to see how fast i can get Joeys sweet ass SAAB to go. I tell him to tell me no if he doesn't want to but with the WWF on that side of the car he didnt pay attention to me.
For the most part we averaged between 90-100 on long stretches between cities so we were comfortable handling the car at high speeds, I didn't think it was that big of a deal to go a little faster. Pedal to the medal and I'm hitting 144 mph before the car starts to shake and I feel like Dom in his tricked out GTO trying to get away from Paul Walker. I passed a car and then a truck, only 2 cars I had seen since entering Texas. I slow it down realizing it was a fairly bad idea. About a half hour later we stop in Claude County, TX to eat and fill up.
Mikes turn. I toss him the Keys and now Joey knocks out in the back seat finally. By that time the two cars I had passed at 140 a half hour before caught back up and were about 5 miles ahead of us. As Mike got near them he slowed down to pass them and we realized the truck was a County Sheriff K-9 unit. Still at the top hat of Texas we know there's no way we would reach Dallas by night fall if we follow a cop the speed limit. The plan: squeak by him and once he's out of sight pick the pace back up. Only one problem, he remembered our car flying by him 79 mph over the speed limit, and the Florida license plate didn't help our image. He pulls Mike over.
License and Registration he says. Mike hands it over and asks what the problem is. You know how fast you were goin? Mike answers 75? He says 76. Isn't the speed limit 75 though sir? No its 70. This cop is wearing light wash jeans, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, sheriff shirt, aviators, a revolver at his hip and hes a little husky maybe 5'9 with a thick white mustache in his mid 50's. He is a Texas badass. He leans in the window to look at us, we wake up Joey. Joey is in a daze just regaining consciousness and could care less who this guy is. He asked us where we were going twice, each of us what school we went to, Joey he asked 3 times, what we were doing in Texas then told us he catches lots of our kind comin through his parts, either headin for Florida or Mexico and we simply should of taken our route through Oklahoma. Now I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
He tells Mike to get out and walk to the front of his truck. 5 minutes later he comes back to the passenger side of the car, Mike still at his truck with a German Sheppard sitting shotgun, and asks me to step out. I do and I give Joey a stare full of information all saying this isn't normal and my switchblade is in the back seat pocket in front of him, throw it or something if he gets nuts.. you know one of those looks. I stand next to him at the front of Joeys car and he says "son, I want you to walk 20 paces out into the field there with your back to me and wait." I say O.K. officer, but in my mind I'm saying HOLY SHIT I'm about to be executed!
He tells Joey to sit tight he'll be back, and walks over to me. I had my back to him but fuck him if he didn't think my head was on a swivel watching him. He comes out and says Boy you know trafficking drugs is a felony and major offense you will go to jail for a good part of your life? I say I am well aware, that's why I don't traffic drugs. He says I got a real fine animal in that car, I don't even have to look and he'll let me know. I say that's fine. He says I won't find no methamphetamine's? No. No PCP? No. No crack cocaine? No. Marijuana? No. No papers? what kinda Papers? Rollin Papers! Oh, no. How bout pills? I say Alieve, Advil, I have prescribed Ambien, then he cuts me off. Son wait right here.
Walks back to Joey. He thinks Joey is high like a Georgia Pine right now because he woke up looking like a disaster and it takes him 30 minutes to realize he's awake. The sheriff starts questioning Joey, in the backseat, from the front passenger window, and Joey can't see his face because the sun is behind the sheriff. The first question is are you high? Joey says no. He starts asking him about drugs and if we have them, and Joey begins thinking crazy like what if we actually have them like somehow some small amount somewhere or maybe Matt or Mike got some while he was asleep and he starts getting nervous, BECAUSE HE MADE IT UP IN HIS MIND. Joeys answers start turning from no to, I don't think so. That didn't help he only asked more questions waiting for Joey to drop in an i think so answer. By the time they were done Joey had told him every detail of our trip up to that point and im sure the sheriff thought he was dealing with 3 abandoned rogue retards wandering the country.
He yells to me to come back to the car, I got in, then he walked back to Mike at his truck. Cuts him a $300 ticket tells him he's lucky and don't ever pass a cop in Texas. Mike gets in the car and our first thought is lets get as far from that guy and Texas as possible. as soon as his lights aren't flashing in our rear view mirror anymore Mike punches it to 90. 2 miles later a trooper pulls Mike over for going 90 in a 70. He feels bad about the first ticket so knocks down Mikes speed on the ticket a little. $500 in tickets within 5 miles and Mike wasn't aloud to drive the rest of the trip.
3 lessons learned here. 1: If you go to jail, they're hiring in Albuquerque. 2: If you have relatives in Claude County Texas, have them come to you, or just forget about them. 3: Avoid Texas and most importantly Texans.
Fin
